Five Guys – Bend Oregon

Opened Jan 14, 2016, Five Guys Burgers and Fries has finally made it to Bend. I say finally as Bend has been in need of a good/fast burger joint. You can give me all the “great, another chain restaurant” or “support local, go to Dandy’s or Pilot Butte” all you want. But what I want is to get a good burger, fast, a place to sit, and get my money’s worth. Five Guys satisfies all of these for me where others in town fall short.

This was not my first trip to a Five Guys so I knew what to expect. The Bend location met my expectations all the way down to the peanut shell covered floor.


This, to me, is just stupid. I do not care to eat my meal in a pile of filth. Kids just throwing the shells intentionally on the floor and when its busy, no one available to sweep up. Yummy! Lets take the dirty atmosphere of eating at a ballpark and bring it inside.

Other than that, I do like Five Guys. We will stop at a Five Guys while we’re traveling if we need a quick bite but dont want to get Wendy’s or some other diarrhea inducing fast food meal.


Five Guys offers 4 burgers – hamburger, cheeseburger, bacon burger, bacon cheeseburger. ALL of which come with 2 patties. You can opt for the Little version of all of these for $1.50 less. One patty is plenty. I forgot this and just got the normal Bacon Cheeseburger. The beef was a thick ball as the bun broke down. One patty would have been fine.


The toppings are all included in the price of your burger so load up. I usually keep it pretty simple as the toppings will make a mess of things. The fries are very good and they are always proud to tell you what farm they came from. On our visit, they were very salty. I enjoy salt with my high blood pressure and clogged arteries so I didnt mind. I thought the burger itself was under-seasoned but with the fries salty as hell, it all worked out.

Their shakes are pretty damn good too. We got the salted caremel (more salt!).

Five Guys Burgers and Fries
222 NE Emerson Ave, Bend, OR 97701
(541) 797-7787
Open 11-10


Fries vs Tots


Fries vs Tots

While out to lunch with The Wife at Pilot Butte Drive In she ordered the tater tots….again. I of course got fries cause I’m not a 5th grader eating lunch in the school cafeteria. Fries are so much better than tater tots.


Garlic fries, curly fries, shoe stings, steak, sweet potato, crinkle cut, waffle, chili cheese fries, poutine…I mean, cmon! I feel like Bubba here listing off the endless variety. And those are just the basics. You may try to come back with ‘what about cajun tots or cheesy tots?’ but you can say the same about any type of fry.

Then there is the fry sauce. It is called fry sauce, not Tot sauce. FRY SAUCE. Sure it is just a variety of ketchup and mayo but its so much better on fries. Just grab a couple long sticks of delicious, salty fries and dip them into your desired amount of fry sauce and devour…then bask in pure happiness. With those lame lumps you shove one end of your boring, disappointing spud stump into some stupid condiment like hillbilly catsup or some left over dried up mustard and then cry about the way your life has ended up.

Lets rattle off the different type of Tot there is…..well, there is the original Tot…..and the….uh well…..hmmm. Nope, there is only one cause the Tot is made up of all the little bits of Fries that didnt make the cut. No imagination, no versatility. Tots are basically fry rejected bits. RejecTots! The only thing you can do with the short bus of spuds is make a casserole out of them. And lets be honest, the only people that like casseroles are the Mormons. Seriously, ever been to a Mormon pot luck? I think their casseroles are the only reason that tater tots and/or Wheaties are still in production.

The tot is like the red headed step child of the potato family. Tots are like the BooBerry of sugary cereal. The Tomsula of NFL coaches. The Jack and Jill of Adam Sandlers filmography. The anything described as artisan. The edamame of appetizers.


That is all I have to say about that…for now.

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